Crumbling Beneath Me.

theres a lot i never got to say to you. theres a lot youve told me but i cant understand. theres a lot ive told you that youll never get. ive changed for you. when talking to you hours feel like minutes. time passes to quickly. sometimes minutes feel like hours when i dont hear from you. i base my mood on how your treating me. if your happy, then im happy. if your angry, then i messed up. its always my fault. i dont know who i am anymore. but im okay with that. i dont know what i like anymore. i let you pick my friends. I let you know everything. I tell you everything. When i lie to you, youll know. Ive only hidden a couple things from you. Even though it hurt to hear them, and i want to tell you them, these things grip me to reality. other peoples mistakes keep me grounded. they show me that you are not everything. i sometimes wonder how i ended up this way. i dont know how i became so attached. i feel as if you stitched yourself to my heart, so if i try and move you or take u away ill rip out the seams and begin to bleed. youve accepted me. you havent accepted me. your protective. your over protective. your loving. your suffocating. sometimes i wish i never met you. sometimes i wish you were all there is. i put you second once. you got mad. you put me behind her. im always second. you dont see it. i dont expect you to see it. youd say im the fucked up one. if you say it, then its true. you make my reality. i let you build my world, i let you tear it down. i cant tell if im sad… ill let you tell me.

Stay with me
You’re the one I need
You make the hardest things
Seem easy

i’ve fallen apart millions of times to this song. Every child looks for a sense of love from there parents… it’s only natural. Movies always display this image of happiness and generic family stereotypical bullshit. The perfect mother and father, embracing their child. Christmas. Fucking Christmas. All of it’s one giant fucking lie. The mother, and the Father that i needed, that i wanted to stay with me made selfish choices. The moments in which they showed me kindness, and actually showed some sort of parental feeling makes me sick to think about. They have teased me with it. But still, I want them more than anything. Though ive been betrayed, beaten, spit on, forced out of my home, called names, and left alone, I still want them. I want my family. I want my mom. I want my dad.

Keep my heart
Somewhere drugs don’t go
Where the sunshine slows
Always keep me close

I used to believe that my love and words were enough, i thought it would make my mom stop drinking. I thought that my efforts would stop my dad from smoking. I thought it would stop all the pills, lies, drinking, sex, coke, smoking, and suffocating of themselves. The countless times i’ve hidden your their for the smallest moment. Maybe for 5 minutes they could go without popping an upper or smoking till they were blazed. Maybe just for my birthday my dad could call me instead of go out and party with random friends that dont even give a shit about him. I thought maybe even with all the bad things they do, and all the bad they had, there was a warm place for me in their hearts. I thought they could take care of me. I know they cant. So why do i still hope?

If only you could see
The stranger next to me
You promise you promise that you’re done
But i cant tell you from the drugs

I’ve cried a lot. Trying to talk sense into a fucked up person doesnt work. You cant cure insanity. I still try though. “Look what your doing! i’m your daughter dont you love me!” i’ve said that so many times I honestly believe if I had a doll made after me, it would scream that. They cant see the stranger they have become. They cant see the giant disturbing creature they have morphed into. They have become liars. Fakes. Failures. and have become worth nothing. Ever since I was 8, i’ve heard “this will be my last pack, I promise baby” as my dad would say. After nights of just constant abuse, my head hitting the edge of the counter, the feeling of my head pounding so bad my body is going numb. The painful words screamed, and drilled into my brain. ‘loser.’ ‘bitch.’ ‘piece of shit.’ all the things said to me… “I wish i never had you!” “i wish i had an abortion” “go live with your dad, oh wait, he doesnt want you!” “your lips are weird looking.” “your eye color is to much like your dads!” “you need to lose weight!” The next morning when you were sober you’d cry. You’d tell me you didnt mean it and you love me. You’d promise always that it’d never happen again. Maybe you were high when you said that though. I couldnt never tell when you were sincere. I still cant.

Don’t let go
Well dig a great big hole
Down an endless hole
We’ll both go

Through years of struggling drug addiction, I’ve been slowly falling into the hole you’ve dug me. for ever nasty thing you’ve told me. For every sentence you’ve said that you couldnt remember the next day. You got to a point in which you stopped apologizing. Dad quit calling. He gave up trying to fill the void in which he couldnt with drugs. He changed his mind and said it was too late with me. so now he has my brother. nathan. I’m falling. They are dying slowly with me. With everyone. They aren’t changing, I’m being dragged down with them. They wont let go. They dont even try to hold onto me.

You’re so blind!
You can’t save me this time
Hope comes from inside
And I feel so low tonight

Im constantly tormented by the idea of how i couldnt save you. Trying to tell an alcoholic they have a drinking problem is like banging your head into a brick wall. You wont get through it and it only hurts you. I cant hang on any longer. I know you wont change. But i still wait here. I take any chance i can get to try and help you. i love you. i love you both. But im older now. You apologies mean nothing. I dont believe you. You never tried to raise me. You couldnt teach me love. I only learned how to hate from you. I’ve learned to hate myself. You always showed me that you couldnt love me by what you chose over me. I only learned hate, pain, anger, and hopelessness from you. I dont know how to express love. Im so awkward. I hate everything about me. I hate all the things you told me you hated. When i try to show someone I love them, i dont know what to say. I dont know how to say ‘thank you.’ I dont get when to say it. I never got christmas gifts from you dad. I didnt know to say thank you when i started getting them. When i like someone i get scared. I dont know what to say or how to say it. Im afraid to give myself to someone. Mom you told me i was ugly. You told me that i was annoying and i wasnt beautiful. Im afraid of myself now. Im afraid to show myself. i just fucking hate myself. The only think i learned from my parents is how to apologize. I can only say sorry. I can only apologize through my pain in fear. Im afraid to lose people. I’ve never been more lost. You cant save me anymore. You had that chance, but its long past. I dont know what i want to be when i get older. i wanted to be an actress, but you told me i wasnt good enough. I love to sing, but you told me to shut up. youve silenced me. Im hopeless. Im low. Im trying my best.

I wish you could see
This face in front of me
You’re sorry you swear it you’re done
But I can’t tell you from the drugs

I wish i could just replay my pain to you the next day. i wish you could see the look on your face. I wish you could hear your slurred words as you scream profanities at me. I want you to understand. I want you to just hug me and apologize, tell me you regret everything. I want you to actually mean it this time. Ive seen you cry over me. you told me you’d try again, you promise. you pinky promise. you swear. you lie. same cycle. same pain. same fucking disappointment i try to hide. same embarrassment for falling for the lie again. same anger for the tears that come out. I dont know you anymore. You are a walking empty being. Your powered by alcohol and pills. You have no love, thought process, or lastly, remorse. I wish you can see what i see. I want you to see my pain. I want you to just know my thoughts. I want you to love me.

Keep my heart
somewhere drugs don’t go
Where the sunshine slows
always keep me close